I wonder about that a lot too, "Why do I keep on doing things that destroy me." Or another version of the same question. Why do I do things that I know I shouldn't do but keep doing them? I haven't found the answer. If you have, let me know please.
For me (and as someone that went through 3+ years of therapy for this exact thing), it’s control. Even if the act is harmful, it’s the fact that I was the one doing it — or believed I was. Life is full of pain and for me, I was so tired of every misfortune that’d taken place out of my control, that I became my own enemy just to ensure I at least knew what was coming.
Wow! That’s a revelation. ‘Control’ seems to be right. Things I know how to do well are the things I keep doing. They are easy. I know the outcome. And those things become habits which are hard to break. Thanks for your candid share Marble.
I think people do things that are bad for them when they're feeling things they don't want to feel. Painful emotions cause people to act in self-destructive ways.
I really do feel like a small part of it is self-hate. As a parent, I feel like another part of it is time management. Specifically not being able to squeeze in the things that make us happy outside of our many adult obligations. If you portioned a small time, let’s say 1-2 hours a day, few days a week , do you think that would have messed up your schedule still? I also think that we sometimes underestimate things. Like thinking “I’ll stay up, I won’t be too tired tomorrow.” Then realizing you forgot about extra meetings, errands, etc. This is absolutely something I struggle with so I loved this post. Great work!
Last night I binge watched Lost (I never actually watched it when it was on TV, watching it for the first time) until waaay past bedtime. Woke up feeling like garbage, and knew exactly why. I have so much self discipline in most all areas of my life, but TV is the one thing that I struggle with. It’s been my “go to” method of checking out since I was a child. It’s so easy to dissociate into a program when I feel like real life is hard.
Showing myself some love as I prepare for an early bedtime tonight. Great article! So much resonance.
I kind of look at these things that destroy us as a puzzle piece that doesn't fit in with the rest of the puzzle. We know that it doesn't fit but we keep trying to force it due to a number of reasons like trauma, influence from environment, and self-esteem. But I think working on ourselves and having a bit more self-awareness will eventually make us realize that we don't need these things in our life.
One of the great mysteries for sure. I kicked the bottle ( which was a herculean feat) so why can't I kick smoking, sugar, too much internet? Why don't I exercise, meditate, etc? Why do I care about the validation I seek from toxic family members?
I can so relate to this! I have rampant adhd which is a double edged sword because I know it stimulates my creativity! I cannot medicate for it. One of the components is mindless scrolling /doomsday scrolling because of it's better than an getting interrupted when laser focused on something I want or need to get done! Thank you! look forward to reading more of your subs
Thanks so much for writing this! It feels like I'm about to burst to try to say all I want to say in response. (I won't say it all, though, way too long.) I think you touched on many of the influences as to why we love doing things that destroy us. And, within the title itself is part of it. In those moments, in that context, whether binge watching TV, eating fast food, smoking, those acts are interpreted as acts of love from that particular reference point within the self at that particular time. Back in the day, I drank myself numb as an act of love until I finally accepted that, like other unhealthy habits, my "solution" was causing more problems than it solved. Until I accepted this, I couldn't change. I certainly didn't think of it as an act of love at the time though. Instead of looking at the motivation/intention behind the action, I just judged myself, the action and usually the results. I don't eat much fast food these days, but when I do, I'm looking for a specific soothing, comforting, validating feeling I expect to get that, at least for now, I don't know how else to replicate. Sooner or later I will resolve it. Very likely it is an inner child aspect that equates tasty food made by others to comfort and care and will not settle for anything else. But is that kind of love real love or pure love? Now there's a philosophical question, I think.
Characteristics a person deems anathema are often repressed and may surface unconsciously when the potential to exhibit them arises, as the individual has not fully integrated these behaviors causing them to do things they would deem reprehensible and destructive
This was incredibly profound and convicting. The line about finding shelter in these vices that are really graves gripped me. We can do better. We just have to take it one day at a time.
If I have failed myself on such a deep level I am afraid to take real steps forward and keep myself busy doing things that are valuable am I just making that cover so I don't have to see my life passing me by?
The love that consumes us! Wow! Now that is the ultimate paradox. I love it for it has as many angles to it as stars are scattered above us in the black of night. So what about; Hate that sustains us then? Just as paradoxical and fascinating. I could write on these for the rest of my life! To answer your question: why do we do this to ourselves? I may have a possible answer for you Viam. There is a puppet theatre. The puppets are moving according to the invisible fingers behind the curtain. The audience is laughing and are taken into the story completely. They forget that it’s the puppet master who is pulling the strings. The master feels powerful even if invisible, for all the laughters are of his achievements. So when we punish ourselves with too many sticky donuts let’s say, we forget there is a link between the puppets and the fingers pulling them. Or we just don’t care for that short time. When it comes to a hangover let’s say, the morning after the night before, we feel it goes through deep! Then we cannot ignore the connection. The same must be with drugs( I don’t know as I have never tried them). There is a saying that goes: “ the hair of the dog” and perhaps that’s why people keep abusing themselves more and more, even though they know it’s bad for their liver and will kill themselves eventually. They still carry on regardless. Or am I completely on the wrong track here? Is it because it’s better to be punished by ourselves ( self controlled) than being punished by someone else( beyond our control)? Is it because a little disaster will avert the bigger disaster from us? Or is it because it’s good to belong to those who are human, full of weakness and vulnerability? Perhaps it’s good to be on the stage of Les Misarables🤔🥲. Someone might just take pity on us this way and we feel more loved! The things we do for love!
I wonder about that a lot too, "Why do I keep on doing things that destroy me." Or another version of the same question. Why do I do things that I know I shouldn't do but keep doing them? I haven't found the answer. If you have, let me know please.
For me (and as someone that went through 3+ years of therapy for this exact thing), it’s control. Even if the act is harmful, it’s the fact that I was the one doing it — or believed I was. Life is full of pain and for me, I was so tired of every misfortune that’d taken place out of my control, that I became my own enemy just to ensure I at least knew what was coming.
Wow! That’s a revelation. ‘Control’ seems to be right. Things I know how to do well are the things I keep doing. They are easy. I know the outcome. And those things become habits which are hard to break. Thanks for your candid share Marble.
I think people do things that are bad for them when they're feeling things they don't want to feel. Painful emotions cause people to act in self-destructive ways.
I really do feel like a small part of it is self-hate. As a parent, I feel like another part of it is time management. Specifically not being able to squeeze in the things that make us happy outside of our many adult obligations. If you portioned a small time, let’s say 1-2 hours a day, few days a week , do you think that would have messed up your schedule still? I also think that we sometimes underestimate things. Like thinking “I’ll stay up, I won’t be too tired tomorrow.” Then realizing you forgot about extra meetings, errands, etc. This is absolutely something I struggle with so I loved this post. Great work!
Last night I binge watched Lost (I never actually watched it when it was on TV, watching it for the first time) until waaay past bedtime. Woke up feeling like garbage, and knew exactly why. I have so much self discipline in most all areas of my life, but TV is the one thing that I struggle with. It’s been my “go to” method of checking out since I was a child. It’s so easy to dissociate into a program when I feel like real life is hard.
Showing myself some love as I prepare for an early bedtime tonight. Great article! So much resonance.
Thank you for speaking to this, a common human experience.
Do we do get lost in things that destroy us because they also momentarily stimulate us?
Or is it deeper? Is it the part of ourselves that does not fully love ourselves that allows this to happen?
I kind of look at these things that destroy us as a puzzle piece that doesn't fit in with the rest of the puzzle. We know that it doesn't fit but we keep trying to force it due to a number of reasons like trauma, influence from environment, and self-esteem. But I think working on ourselves and having a bit more self-awareness will eventually make us realize that we don't need these things in our life.
One of the great mysteries for sure. I kicked the bottle ( which was a herculean feat) so why can't I kick smoking, sugar, too much internet? Why don't I exercise, meditate, etc? Why do I care about the validation I seek from toxic family members?
I can so relate to this! I have rampant adhd which is a double edged sword because I know it stimulates my creativity! I cannot medicate for it. One of the components is mindless scrolling /doomsday scrolling because of it's better than an getting interrupted when laser focused on something I want or need to get done! Thank you! look forward to reading more of your subs
Thanks so much for writing this! It feels like I'm about to burst to try to say all I want to say in response. (I won't say it all, though, way too long.) I think you touched on many of the influences as to why we love doing things that destroy us. And, within the title itself is part of it. In those moments, in that context, whether binge watching TV, eating fast food, smoking, those acts are interpreted as acts of love from that particular reference point within the self at that particular time. Back in the day, I drank myself numb as an act of love until I finally accepted that, like other unhealthy habits, my "solution" was causing more problems than it solved. Until I accepted this, I couldn't change. I certainly didn't think of it as an act of love at the time though. Instead of looking at the motivation/intention behind the action, I just judged myself, the action and usually the results. I don't eat much fast food these days, but when I do, I'm looking for a specific soothing, comforting, validating feeling I expect to get that, at least for now, I don't know how else to replicate. Sooner or later I will resolve it. Very likely it is an inner child aspect that equates tasty food made by others to comfort and care and will not settle for anything else. But is that kind of love real love or pure love? Now there's a philosophical question, I think.
And reliance on convenience, we want everything to be easy and instant.
Characteristics a person deems anathema are often repressed and may surface unconsciously when the potential to exhibit them arises, as the individual has not fully integrated these behaviors causing them to do things they would deem reprehensible and destructive
This was incredibly profound and convicting. The line about finding shelter in these vices that are really graves gripped me. We can do better. We just have to take it one day at a time.
That was
I can't find the words
Perfect?
So true?
Scary how much it resonates?
Humans get trapped in themselves
I wonder if I disdain myself
If I have failed myself on such a deep level I am afraid to take real steps forward and keep myself busy doing things that are valuable am I just making that cover so I don't have to see my life passing me by?
My life summed up in these lines. Great writings, Great words. 💖☑️
The love that consumes us! Wow! Now that is the ultimate paradox. I love it for it has as many angles to it as stars are scattered above us in the black of night. So what about; Hate that sustains us then? Just as paradoxical and fascinating. I could write on these for the rest of my life! To answer your question: why do we do this to ourselves? I may have a possible answer for you Viam. There is a puppet theatre. The puppets are moving according to the invisible fingers behind the curtain. The audience is laughing and are taken into the story completely. They forget that it’s the puppet master who is pulling the strings. The master feels powerful even if invisible, for all the laughters are of his achievements. So when we punish ourselves with too many sticky donuts let’s say, we forget there is a link between the puppets and the fingers pulling them. Or we just don’t care for that short time. When it comes to a hangover let’s say, the morning after the night before, we feel it goes through deep! Then we cannot ignore the connection. The same must be with drugs( I don’t know as I have never tried them). There is a saying that goes: “ the hair of the dog” and perhaps that’s why people keep abusing themselves more and more, even though they know it’s bad for their liver and will kill themselves eventually. They still carry on regardless. Or am I completely on the wrong track here? Is it because it’s better to be punished by ourselves ( self controlled) than being punished by someone else( beyond our control)? Is it because a little disaster will avert the bigger disaster from us? Or is it because it’s good to belong to those who are human, full of weakness and vulnerability? Perhaps it’s good to be on the stage of Les Misarables🤔🥲. Someone might just take pity on us this way and we feel more loved! The things we do for love!