Thursday, I slept in at 5am.
I played a video game most of the night.
I enjoyed it.
Friday's wake-up was brutal. Hours of sleep that seemed like minutes. I’m half alive. My morning is ruined. I'm exhausted, my workout is impossible. I want to eat a lot to recover. But I don't have the courage to cook.
Ouch, I'm already late for work.
A shower and I know I'm in for a terrible day.
On the way to work, I cross someone. She's smoking her cigarette in the sunshine. Looks like her work break. A luminous smile lights up her face. It seems to be the highlight of her morning.
Like every day, I pass this fast-food joint a few steps from my work. Like every day, it's full. In and out come people far too overweight to eat this food. But the incessant ballet never stop.
When I get to work, I'm like someone with a hangover who wonders why he does this to himself.
Why do we do all these things that are bad for us?
I know very well that pulling an all-nighter is bad for my health.
Why do I do it?
This person knows very well that smoking is bad for her?
Why does she do it?
These people know that the food in this fast food restaurant is unhealthy?
Why do they eat there?
All those addictions that are ruining our lives all around us. Alcohol, telephone, scrolling, binge watching... The whole world seems to be on a drip.
Shouldn't we all be exercising every day, eating well, taking care of our sleep and our bodies?
Why do we do these things to ourselves?
Why do we destroy ourselves instead of taking care of ourselves?
Do we all need an anesthetic to endure this life?
Because that's what happens when I spend hours in front of a video game: I forget everything else.
Or maybe we just don't love ourselves? That must be it. You have to hate yourself to hurt yourself deliberately every day. We take care of the things we love, don't we?
When I got home, I was angry. At myself. The first thing I did was uninstall the game. And uninstall all the games on my PC. I went to bed early. And the next day, strangely enough, I was able to do all the things I was supposed to do during the day.
Work out, cook my food, get some sun, get enough sleep...
And I keep asking myself if I hate myself.
Maybe it's the ghost that lurks beneath the addictions.
We take certain activities as shelters and don't realize that they are graves.
It seems obvious to me that if I loved myself more, I'd take better care of myself.
These were a few reflections on my week. And this post will be in two parts. Because if we love doing things that destroy us.
Sometimes… we also love people who destroy us. An incomprehensible feeling where we remain close to those who consume our flame of life.
See you next Sunday to talk about these loves that consume us.
I wonder about that a lot too, "Why do I keep on doing things that destroy me." Or another version of the same question. Why do I do things that I know I shouldn't do but keep doing them? I haven't found the answer. If you have, let me know please.
I think people do things that are bad for them when they're feeling things they don't want to feel. Painful emotions cause people to act in self-destructive ways.