Living with your Past

Or Surviving it

I try to build threads through my blogpost. These last days, I’m exploring the theme of pain. I was talking about loss on Sunday. 

Today, I’m going to share about how to deal with that pain. 
To help me, a film on the verge of celebrating its 20th anniversary next year. One of the strangest (and greatest) movie I’ve ever seen: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

If you’ve never seen it and before reading this email:

• If you like poetry or philosophy, I recommend it

• If you like strange love stories, I recommend it

And if you don’t want to see it, don’t worry. In this e-mail, i’m going to talk about the plot, the characters, love, hate, healing and philosophy. All of this, without mentioning any twists to preserve your viewing pleasure.

Our story begins with Joel, a depressive-looking man waking from his bed with a hangover. He skips work and steps onto a train he’s not supposed to be on. As he says himself, “I’m not an impulsive person”. He arrives at a beach and sees Clementine. He wants to approach her but lacks the courage. He meets her again in a cafe, then on the train home.

Clementine decides to talk to him. He discovers a radiant but sensitive young woman. As opposites attract, they meet. Clementine seems to be the grain of madness that Joel lacks. Joel seems to be the grain of stability that Clementine lacks. The next day, an unforgettable first date. And we find Joel in his car, dropping Clementine off at her home. A strange man knocks on the window. He asks if everything’s all right.

The camera cuts out. When it comes back on, Joel is crying in his car. He’s crying because he’s seen Clementine kiss another man. Worse, pretending she doesn’t know him. We assume we’ve taken a giant leap into the future. Joel soon discovers that Clementine has used a revolutionary technology to erase her memor. To forget everything about their relationship.

Faced with the pain of separation and the shock of Clementine’s decision. He decides to do it too: to erase their story. To wipe Clementine from his brain. Out of anger. And to stop suffering.

After collecting all the objects linking him to Clementine, the Doctors will map his brain so they can proceed with the erasure. He is placed in a kind of sleep, where he has the power to experience memories as they are erased. The doctors erase the memories in a reverse chronology. Accompanied by Joel, we take a journey through their story from beginning to end.

We discover scenes of fierce arguments between him and Clementine. They say brutal, violent things to each other. The end of a relationship can be a ferocious theater of hatred. Clementine and Joel play their roles to the hilt. Then we discover a couple who have become banal. Stuck in a routine. We discover the starting point of their breakup.

We continue to rewind. Violent moments slowly give way to tenderness. Then to moments of pure love. We discover a couple in love, tender, loving and trusting each other. Certain memories resurface, one of which is extremely cherished. 

At this point, Joel realizes that Clementine is precious. He wants to stop the procedure, but he can’t. He wants to save her memories. The doctor is supposed to erase only the memories linked to Clementine. A race against time begins. If he wants to save Clementine, he’ll have to take her to the darkest places of her psyche.

The genius of the film comes at this point. In an attempt to save her, he tries to hide her in his humiliation.

We discover two traumatic scenes from Joel’s childhood.

• His mother’s lack of attention

• Violence against an animal under group pressure.

Joel’s mother lacks attention. He feels ignored. His mother’s lack of attention will turn Joel into an emotionally dependent man. He easily falls in love with any woman who will give him a little attention. 

The episode of animal violence transformed Joel into a lonely man, refusing social relationships. Unable to trust again. The others drove him to betray himself. He isolates himself so as not to risk the same trauma. 

Two moments in his childhood that will shape his adult personality through avoidance strategies.

Joel’s traumatic childhood experiences have led him to deduce erroneous rules for understanding this world. Left untreated, these wounds plague his life.

The problem isn’t the trauma, which is real. It’s Joel’s interpretation of it.
Not knowing how to face them, never having had any help to do so. He created rules for himself and locked himself into self-destructive behaviors. 
His trauma exists, but it’s the self-imposed rules for dealing with it that are wrong. Joel suffers from wounds of the soul. The wound of abandonment, rejection and humiliation.

He has all the symptoms. 
Lack of self-confidence. 
Lack of self-esteem. 
Lack of self-love.
Self-deprecation through humor. 
Need for control.

Joel doesn’t love himself. And that’s why he loves anyone who love him.
Joel isn’t the only one who doesn’t love himself. 
Clementine confesses as much in one of Joel’s memories. 
She thinks she’s horrible, ugly.

The movie’s second brilliant moment shows us how the lack of self-love can be expressed in completely opposite ways in two people. 
Joel, by rejecting everyone and taking no risks.
Clementine, trying to seduce and living a life full of risks to sublimate the present. 
The same disease, treated with two poisons.

What message does the director and screenwriter wish to convey?

That childhood wounds can be carried like burdens. 
As long as we don’t heal our wounds, we’re doomed to reproduce the same patterns. That we must have the courage to face ourselves. To transcend your fears and give yourself a chance.

What do I think of this movie?

Ingenious. Well thought out. Visionary. That it subtly explores untreated wounds. The impact they can have on our adult lives. And even if we don’t have the courage to face them, right now. 
Being aware that these mental constructs exist is already a step towards hope for healing. A chance to remove the barriers and false rules we’ve erected ourselves. To deconstruct the barriers of a self-created jail.

And to finally dare to become the person you want to be.

I wish you a beautiful Wednesday.