The Overdose

The day that changed everything

One Sunday. Sitting in this peaceful park, on the same bench where I’ve liked to stop time for so long, I observe. A majestic tree to my left. Time and lack of maintenance have played their part. All that remains on this poor tree are a few leaves, which the light winds are enough to dislodge. One of the leaves takes flight, and I play along to follow its destiny. The winds sway it, take it, carry it away, when suddenly…

An irrepressible urge arises in me. I don’t know where it comes from. I just know I have to do it. My contemplation ends, another begins. Mechanical unlocking of my phone. Launching an app. My behavior is that of an automaton following precise gestures. My gaze, lost in the real world, is now lost in the virtual one.

I scroll, a few seconds are enough to find engaging content. I laugh, like. Next. The following video takes me into uncharted territory. Poignant subject, tragic story. Anger and helplessness mix within me. The third video is even more surprising. Shared millions of times? Surely a testament to its quality.

A slice-of-life video of these people, so happy, they tell you how to lead yours. The comments section curses each other. Insults fly. A literary clash of ideas. I explore this war zone. Unhealthy curiosity. And then I freeze. The thought is as sudden as it is violent. 
What am I doing?
How did I get here?
What’s in it for me?

I feign reflection but the answer is obvious. Nothing. The void. A vacuum sucking in time and energy. But worse. Rewinding the threads of time. I am faced with the monstrosity I dared to do. Interrupting the majestic spectacle of nature to wander the mud of mediocrity. These thoughts paralyze my finger. They tremble.

I look up again, second vision of horror. These “people” around me. Without exception, they all have this phone in their hand. It seems a natural extension of their arm. Eyes riveted on it. Prisoners of this square of light. As if this tool were indispensable to their survival.Children play, parents get lost. I watch their expressions. Laughter, expectation, hope, but mostly… emptiness.

I’m scared. Do I look like this? A moving but inanimate being. Eyes that have lost their sparkle. A soul that seems to have disappeared. No, not gone, but ripped out.

My eyes return to the screen, I need to understand. 
I open another app, notice the words: for you.

For me? So it’s a gift? I silence my emotions. I need rationality. Explanations. I analyze the proposed content. 
Why do I want to click? What is this magic? 
Why do I want to consume? Why do they attract me?
It’s becoming clear, I’ve given the chains to my jailers. Everything I ever liked. The average time spent watching content. The creators I’ve interacted with….
They know exactly what I like, why I like it. They probably even know my taste better than I do. 
Predators know perfectly well how to attract prey. 
For you? No, it’s not for me, it’s for them.
What’s in it for me? Nothing.
Them? Everything
They monetize my attention and my time. 
And I’m giving away my most precious treasure. 
To add insult to injury: for free.

It’s over. If it’s a war. I have to choose sides. I choose the side of reality. Of life. The real thing. All these destructive feeds: over. All these creators who want to “entertain” me: over.
I’m taking back control.
I don’t want to spend my life wasting it anymore.

A few weeks have passed since the overdose… or epiphany. I confronted my demons. I uninstalled what needed to be uninstalled. The irresistible urge to open those apps has left me. My sense of self-loathing has awakened something. Knowing my weakness, I deliberately forget my phone.I force myself to go out without it. After a certain hour, screens become forbidden. The only bandage I’ve found in a world that never stops. 

I sit on my bench, much freer. I’ve relearned to observe. I can now follow the leaves’ destiny. The quality of my senses has sharpened. I see, but above all, I notice. I’ve also learned to listen again. I’ve learned to be present again, in the real world. I’m even told I’ve regained my color. It seems I look better.
But that’s nothing compared to the greatest victory of all.
I’ve recovered a lost treasure, my most precious treasure: time.