Guilt, Self Improvement and Pact

Finding the right balance

I’ve been getting my life back on track. Meeting this young guy really clicked for me. When I saw how disciplined he was. It reminded me that I wasn’t disciplined enough to expect better.

It was also a slap in the face because he’s in his twenties and already light years ahead of anything I’ve achieved. He started from zero. He’s immensely wealthy. He lives the dream. 

I have to confess, I feel a little ashamed when I compare myself. I know it’s not healthy to compare ourselves yada yada. When you meet the fusion between Apolo and Croesus, it’s hard not to. No jealousy because he deserved what he got. But inspiration and a reality, I can do better and I must do better.

When you’re over thirty, the clock starts ticking faster and faster. Every year that my vision doesn’t come true is a little more unbearable. 

So I’ve started taking care of everything.
The basic self-improvement package.
A repetitive loop and the results were quick to follow.

This period has already translated into :

• Weight loss

• I have read several books

• I’m no longer behind on my to-do lists

• I’m much more energetic 

• All my projects are moving forward

• I even repainted that wall I’d been meaning to paint for months

Who would have thought that when you stop wasting hours in front of screens or procrastinating, things move forward?

So what’s the issue?

It’s that I know these self-improvement loops. I’ve followed Spartan routines for months, many times in my life. 
When you’re in this loop of improvement, you find yourself thinking that a series, a film, a video game… Or any leisure activity is just a waste of time.

You feel a kind of guilt in your idleness. Anything that remotely resembles an activity that doesn’t help you progress becomes irritating.

You have this feeling that you have to get the most out of your day. That you have no more time to waste.

My various experiences have taught me that thinking like this is also toxic.

This reminds me of a little story. That of Mr Butler. Protagonist of Jack London’s “Martin Eden”.

Martin is a sailor. He’s never had an education. One day, he meets a lovely lady. Love at first sight. But she’s rich, lives in luxury and opulence, and many universes separate them.

So he sets about learning the language and educating himself to bridge the distance between their worlds. He wants to climb the hierarchy to have a chance of seducing her.

She likes him because he represents strength. He loves her because she represents grace. The two will have some fascinating exchanges and dialogues. The sparks of friction between two realms separated by everything.

At one of their meetings, Ruth tells him about Mr. Butler, who sacrificed a lot to succeed. She describes the life of this poor man who has worked for years to get where he is.

Martin replies:

“Three dollars a week, an’ four dollars a week, an’ a young boy cookin’ for himself on an oil-burner an’ layin’ up money, workin’ all day an’ studyin’ all night, just workin’ an’ never playin’, never havin’ a good time, an’ never learnin’ how to have a good time — of course his thirty thousand came along too late.”

“Do you know,” he added, “I feel sorry for Mr. Butler. He was too young to know better, but he robbed himself of life for the sake of thirty thousand a year…

“He robbed himself of life for the sake of thirty thousand a year.”
Ouch, this hurts.

Funny words coming from Martin’s mouth, since he spends his whole life learning to impress the young lady.

But there’s still some truth in Martin’s words. Nobody wants Mr. Butler’s fate. Nobody wants to pay too high a price for success.

You have to be disciplined, but you also have to allow yourself to live. Depriving yourself of one life in order to be able to afford another seems like a terrible idea.

I have another friend who suggested a pact.
I thought it was a bit silly (and weird) at first, but then I thought: why not?

Don’t worry, the concept is simple. 
No blood or strange oaths under a full moon.

You just have to write a letter to yourself.

“I, Viam, authorize myself to do “ insert leisure activity” only if :

• I’ve done my workout

• I’ve had 7 hours of sleep

• I’ve written my daily article

• I’ve read at least 25 pages

• I have finished my daily to-do list 

Signature”

I’ve tried it, and so far, the pact is working. 

When I was younger, my father used to tell me “Your words are sacred. Don’t betray them. When you commit to something, do it. Disappointing others hurts, but it’s nothing compared to the pain of disappointing yourself.”

So these words have the power you give them, and they have a lot of power over me.

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I’ll tell you more about Martin Eden in a dedicated post soon. In the meantime, if you’re looking for a good read, go for it. It’s possible to find the novel easily online, but if you can, treat yourself to the comfort of reading it on paper. This novel deserves it.